The Day Trippers

Today I volunteered to help with my seven year old's Field Trip. I haven't been on a Field Trip in roughly twenty years. I had to bring a sack lunch, I smashed into a seat with two other children, one being my son and we were off. The school bus was exactly the way I remembered a school bus being, from the tattered and torn seats, to the rubber floor, to even the smell. Do all school buses smell the same?
We were scheduled for two locations. The first being a visit to The Hale Center Theater in West Valley. Each volunteer parent had approximately 8 children under our watch. Although they were sweet, my group happened to be the most wild. I took this as punishment for not volunteering more in the classroom.
After constantly calling for my group to settle down, to stop running, to keep their hands to themselves, I finally resorted to bribery. I told them that if they were on their best behavior I would bring them some gum. It worked for 2.3 seconds (I have decided to buy them gum anyway).
The woman giving the tour, spoke about how you use your body and your voice as an instrument to show the audience different characters.
She demonstrated by acting like a wicked witch, which the children realized instantly.
The second character was harder for the children. She spoke in a British accent and pretended to be prim and proper. She talked about how her crown kept slipping and how "Tea and Crumpets would be served in 5 minutes on the lawn". She then asked for the kids to raise their hands to guess who she was.
One of the boys in my group raised and waved his hand. The tour guide/actress of course pick him, "What do you think I am?" She asked Thomas. Thomas answered, "I don't know an idiot?"
The first grade teacher stifled a gasp and covered her head in her lap. I was trying to stifle a laugh. Who was this first grader?
Later we went to a Water Conservation Plant. Again the group had to sit through another lecture. The kids were restless, in fact, I was getting restless too.
After the speech about plants we ate our lunches and were handed a clipboard with a list of plants and flowers we were suppose to "find". What fun. I guess in theory this was fun.
We found probably two plants. My group spent our time finding each other because there was always someone who had escaped.
Once back on the bus I asked out loud if this was the part where the adults were given Xanax?
A little while later, still on the bus, and still smashed in a seat with two other kids (by this time, my son wanted nothing to do with me and was sitting with his friends one row behind me), an alarm went off on the bus.
I was looking around trying to figure out what, when and who was setting it off.
The bus driver looked in his enormous rear-view mirror and pointed at me.
"Me?" I asked. He shook his head "Yes".
I was on a fold up seat that lead to the emergency exit door. I was sitting too close to it and I had inadvertently set off the bells and whistles.
I apologized and announced, "there is only so much I can suck in!"
The bus driver smiled but told me as I was leaving he liked having adults sitting in that seat so he wouldn't have to worry about the alarm going off.
I think I proved that theory wrong.
I believe the Field Trip was an over-all nightmare.
If the children were older, maybe that would have worked better.
If we were taken to a park and let loose, maybe that would have worked better, too.
By the end, I was ready for a nap and possibly a Xanax or two.