Jumping off a Cliff

Yesterday I went to my Doctor with my same old issues I haven't been able to shake. I haven't felt well, I haven't been sleeping at night. I diet all of the time and have increased my exercises but haven't lost a pound. A new issue has arisen, I've been having trouble with memory loss. I told myself it was cancer. It's not that I hope to have cancer, not at all. I have this tendency to assume the worse, that way when I find out what the issue really is, I have already dealt with the emotions of the worse case scenario. In a weird way, handling situations this way has given me hope.
After a really long office visit (2 and a half hours), I was told I needed to go on Antidepressants.
Antidepressants?!!!
I felt as though I was asked to leap off a cliff, willingly.
I had the sensation I was blind folded, had my hands tied behind my back and was asked to jump. I know what I am jumping into. I have seen over that edge before. I know what is beyond it. I have jumped into that abyss and almost didn't survived.
Two seconds before, I asked my husband who went with me, what if I was told I needed pills?
He, in his normal soothing way, responded, "We'll tell them no. Absolutely not."
I felt reassured.
The two Doctors (one was a resident) came back in the room and explained that I had the signs of Depression.
How could this be? I have been battling Depression for almost my entire life. Two and a half years ago, I rid myself of all the Antidepressants I had been taking for 10 years.
I replaced the pills with regular exercise. I began reading self-help books about Positive self-talk and having a good attitude. I started doing things that scared me, things out of my comfort zone, to make me feel like I was living. I'm talking about, going back to school, and competing in a Triathlon. These types of things, in the name of self discovery.
So here I was in the Doctor's office, having a panic attack over the idea of once again needing to take pills.
I was devastated. I was even wishing for cancer!
My husband looked at me and then back at the two nervous looking Doctors, "OK, we'll give them a try."
Why would he do this to me? Doesn't he remember how I was on pills? I was a zombie, a non-person. I didn't do anything, I simply existed.
The three of them decided to just give me a prescription, in which I could fill it when ever I decided I wanted to. Wanted to?
To tell the truth, I am terrified. It's not the fear of the unknown, it's the fear of the known. After crying all day yesterday,last night I decided to jump.
I realized that for about a year I have been working so hard, only to find I am spinning my wheels. My little tricks to perk myself up have stopped working. I have been feeling despair and anger and that the world is Too big.
I had to jump.
I am constantly talking about taking control of my life. I am constantly working on fixing myself. Maybe instead of thinking I was asked to jump off a cliff, perhaps I've already slipped off the cliff and have been holding on to the deteriorating ground, and haven't noticed there's a net below me waiting to catch me. If I would just let go.
I took my first pill last night. I also forgave my husband for his "betrayal" and am trying to forgive myself for my depression.
I don't know if this will work. I do hope it will.
It's a lot of work jumping off a cliff. I hope I am doing the right thing, and at least have on a parachute.