Self Discovery By Accident

This morning I had a startling discovery. I found an old notebook, an ordinary spiral notebook. I have seen it several times in my desk drawer where we keep our scrap paper, and our computer paper. I knew it was there, I didn't ever have a reason to look at it, or through it for that matter.
This morning, my son, who is learning how to read, brought it to me. He read to me a passage that shocked me. It was from me during a period of time I was being treated for sever depression. Luckily, because I write partially in cursive and part print, my seven year old couldn't quite figure out what I had said. In investigating I realized it was a journal I started in 2006.
I noticed I wrote only about once a month and the theme was constant. Who am I? What do I want? I need to loose weight. What am I trying to do with my life? If I could just loose ten more pounds, then I would be happy...
I am shocked because here it is three years later, give or take, and I am still trying to discover what will make me happy. I am still trying to loose ten pounds, I am still trying to venture out to see what I can accomplish and I am still incredibly frustrated.
It would seem I haven't moved forward at all. It is as if I wasted three years of my life. But this conclusion is false.
So here is my true conclusion, I will never be happy or satisfied if I can't realize what it is I have accomplished and have figured out.
No I don't have a career, yet. But I have figured out, conclusively what it is I don't want to have a career in.
I haven't lost ten pounds, but, I have learned how to compete in a mini-triathlon.I couldn't have done that three years ago.
I have figured out what I am passionate about and what I am Luke-warm with.
And if I really think about it (which is something I don't like to do and something I dislike to admit even more) I genuinely like large amounts about myself. This is a new discovery.
I like that I am not satisfied with the same old same old. I like that I have a need to research and discover things, anything, everything.
It isn't that I am in the same place I was three years ago, which is what I originally thought. I am in a totally different place, a good place and a place where I am free to discover.
This in itself is terrifying, worrisome, at times loathsome, but also exhilarating, and exciting.
It's OK that I don't know where I am, who I am, or what I want to be. The point in life is to figure it out if it takes three years or thirty three years!
I'm up for it!