Road Warrior

Last week I completed a Triathlon. From start to finish, I did it!
It was such an invigorating experience and yet I find myself down playing every part. I had technical difficulties with my bike and as a result it took me twice as long to complete that part of the race. I took so long in fact, one police man who was at a post left, but slammed on his breaks and reversed when he noticed me slowly climbing up the last hill. I wouldn't have noticed him if he hadn't shouted out his window, "Whoa! I'm sorry I thought the race was over! I'm glad I noticed you!"
I am still surprised how immediately I crumbled. "What a looser I am!" I thought. "What do I think I am doing? I don't belong here!" I continued berating myself for the rest of the bike part of the competition. It got worse from there.
As I was rounding the last of the bike trek, I saw my husband finishing the final part of the run. I was so proud of him. I was so excited about how he was doing and then I lost it. I became a jealous sore loser.
"I should just give up! I am so embarrassed with my performance! I should just stop and save face..."
As soon as I realized I was about to give up, another thought occurred to me. What would I tell my friends if they gave up because of how they felt they looked?
I would think they were crazy! I would tell them to focus on the big picture, they were here trying something very difficult, and new and they were almost finished. I would have reminded them that they had already finished the swimming part and now the biking part and all that was left was the running. I would tell them that they knew how to run. They could run and they could do it well.
As I was soothing my invisible friends, I changed my counselling from third person to first person. I can run. I can run and run fast. I don't want to be dead last in this part of the race!
I hung up my bike and continued on.
I waved at my kids and husband who were now watching and waiting for my on my last leg of the race. I was going to finish.
I ran/walked up the first hill.
I was still trying to gain back myself confidence. I passed a woman walking, too. I asked if she was alright, she told me she had finished the earlier, more advanced race that morning and thought it would be fun to walk this race.
This batted at myself esteem more. I felt like the woman had insulted me, seeing this race as less than, and I was walking it.
Emotionally I stumbled, fighting with myself to stay focused.
My music wasn't inspiring, my shirt I was wearing was too hot. I didn't like how my shorts kept riding up, and on and on.
Up a head I noticed another woman walking. There were people heading back to the finish line, but still there was one other woman walking the same direction. I decided to jog up to her.
When I caught up to her, she was out of breath and sweating profusely. I asked her if she was doing this race.
She gulped and said, "Yes, but my doctor told me to walk this part. So I am. I am going to finish this race!"
She was the most inspiring woman there. She was over weight, she was over heated and she was going to finish the race.
Her energy leaped into me and I was finally back in the game. I began running.
I ran to the half way mark where I drank some water and Gatorade, quickly.
I turned around and noticed in the distance someone else walking heading toward the finish line.
My goal changed into a bite sized task. I would run to that woman.
I threw off my shirt (my sports bra I swam in earlier would keep me cool), I turned up my MP3 and I ran.
As I got closer to the woman in the distance, I ran faster. And the faster I ran, the more I gave myself positive feed back.
Soon I was right behind the woman, but she started running too.
This time I wasn't discouraged, I was on fire. I wasn't going to be dead last in the running part, I was going to show myself I could, and was competing in a Triathlon!
The last leg of the run was down hill, quite steep, too. I could hear people cheering me on, I joined in! I could do it! I was doing it!
I ran faster than I have ever run as an adult before.
And then it was done. I had completed what I had come to do.
Later, the stats where posted. I realized something very valuable. If I wouldn't have stunted myself by pouting, I would have finished in a much faster time. I realized it wasn't the technical difficulties that kept me from competing, it was me, wasting time on why I should give up.
I don't want to be that negative person again. In fact, I am tired of being complacent and negative all together. I want to compete, I want to fight for myself. I want to fight to have a life! And I am going to, starting now.

Self Discovery By Accident

This morning I had a startling discovery. I found an old notebook, an ordinary spiral notebook. I have seen it several times in my desk drawer where we keep our scrap paper, and our computer paper. I knew it was there, I didn't ever have a reason to look at it, or through it for that matter.
This morning, my son, who is learning how to read, brought it to me. He read to me a passage that shocked me. It was from me during a period of time I was being treated for sever depression. Luckily, because I write partially in cursive and part print, my seven year old couldn't quite figure out what I had said. In investigating I realized it was a journal I started in 2006.
I noticed I wrote only about once a month and the theme was constant. Who am I? What do I want? I need to loose weight. What am I trying to do with my life? If I could just loose ten more pounds, then I would be happy...
I am shocked because here it is three years later, give or take, and I am still trying to discover what will make me happy. I am still trying to loose ten pounds, I am still trying to venture out to see what I can accomplish and I am still incredibly frustrated.
It would seem I haven't moved forward at all. It is as if I wasted three years of my life. But this conclusion is false.
So here is my true conclusion, I will never be happy or satisfied if I can't realize what it is I have accomplished and have figured out.
No I don't have a career, yet. But I have figured out, conclusively what it is I don't want to have a career in.
I haven't lost ten pounds, but, I have learned how to compete in a mini-triathlon.I couldn't have done that three years ago.
I have figured out what I am passionate about and what I am Luke-warm with.
And if I really think about it (which is something I don't like to do and something I dislike to admit even more) I genuinely like large amounts about myself. This is a new discovery.
I like that I am not satisfied with the same old same old. I like that I have a need to research and discover things, anything, everything.
It isn't that I am in the same place I was three years ago, which is what I originally thought. I am in a totally different place, a good place and a place where I am free to discover.
This in itself is terrifying, worrisome, at times loathsome, but also exhilarating, and exciting.
It's OK that I don't know where I am, who I am, or what I want to be. The point in life is to figure it out if it takes three years or thirty three years!
I'm up for it!

Woman Vs. Woman

what is it about women? I recently went to a dinner party where I was called a liar. The circumstances were ridiculous. I under estimated a detail of an event I was explaining and the woman I was talking to was fixated on that particular detail. Before I could counter re-act the detail, I was outed as a liar in front of the whole dinner party. From my perspective, I truly didn't mean to lie. I calculated wrong, that is all. The detail was minor to the context of the rest of the event. But this woman, whom I have known for years is uber competive and wanted to prove me wrong. In the name of trying to save face, I didn't take back the detail and admit I was wrong. It was so stupid. I felt really embarrassed and what started out as an accident, played into her verbal assault and I became a liar. I hate that. I hate that, once again I was broad sided and I did nothing to strengthen myself. The wonderful thing about women is our ability to love, unconditionally, uncontrollably and give ourselves to what we love. I wish we could do this to each other more often.
Why couldn't I say, "You are right. It couldn't be what I said. Sorry about that" ?
Why did the woman have to be so worried about tearing down my statement and there fore tearing me down?
Why is it that females sometimes replace compassion with competition? What is the true focus here?
So because I write a blog to help me figure life out, I also write to help me figure myself out. This is what I learned from this dinner party: I can make a mistake, take back the mistake and still save face. The point isn't who the woman says I am, the point is who I am trying to become.

Looking The Part

My husband and I have signed up to compete in a miniature triathlon. I am proud to say we are actually following through and doing it. To solidify our devotion we have been training for it and because it is being held in St. George, we have already booked a room. That clinches it, we have spent the fee to enter the race and we have booked a hotel room, we are going.
To tell you the truth, I have a love/hate desire to do this. Or perhaps it is a fear/control thing I have with it. This miniature race consists of running 1.5 miles. I can do that. Biking 5 miles. I can do that. And swimming 8 laps in a pool. Yikes. I don't know how to swim. I hate water on my face and I really, really hate wearing swim suits, in public or out of the public. I basically see swim suits as a mid-evil torture device.
Every year I take a pilgrimage to the Department stores in the Mall in search for that perfect swimming suit. You know the one; it miraculously changes your body image, physically and emotionally at an accelerated rate and the longer you wear it the skinnier you become. I don't know what's so hard about finding a suit like that. It has got to be out there...somewhere.
Last year I decided to buy one, via Internet through the Victoria Secret Web site.
It was great, well on line, it was great. I got to choose the color I wanted. I was able to mix and match different tops with different bottoms. I could decide which bottom style would work best on my body type and the best part was I didn't have to try to visualize it. Every time I tweaked something a picture of it was then transposed on a Victoria Secret Model. I loved it.
It was reasonably priced, too. So after about a week, I received a small package by UPS. It had arrived, my perfect suit!
I tore open the packaging and marveled at my brand new Lycra persona. I am going to look HOT this summer!
A few minutes into putting the suit on, reality hit me. It didn't matter how I posed in it, I did not look like the perfect specimen I saw on line. I have figured out what Victoria Secrets big secret is, AIR BRUSHING!
Another swim suit to put in my swim suit drawer of same.
Which brings me back to my little triathlon. I have a new suit. I actually tried it on at the store. Yes it was horrifying and yes I went immediately after and got a Blizzard from Dairy Queen.
It's an OK suit. It's used specifically for racing. It's a one-piece black Speedo brand with white racing stripes. Don't you love the psychology behind the racing stripes?
I also purchased a swimming cap, because I just had highlights and low lights put in my hair and I don't want them ruined by chlorine. Add to this my swim goggles and I definitely look the part, an Iron man triathlete.
Looking the part is quite different than acting the part ,however.
Every time I get into the lap pool (I don't dive in. I slowly lower myself in. Carefully submerging myself inch by inch, until it's colder having more than half of my body in and part of it out) and whimper and whine that the water is too cold.
I have gotten looks, quizzical, eye-rolling looks from people who actually like to swim and know how to swim. I think it is because I look like a professional but then I can only doggy paddle. I concede that the gurgling, panting and hyperventilating doesn't help to make me seem like an athlete either.
I have been asked, why on earth would I sign up for a miniature triathlon? I have to say, it's purely for bragging rights. When was the last time you did something really challenging for you and you did it? I can't remember the last time I accomplished something like this.
I am so excited to go for this. I am so excited to get out of my comfort zone and try something truly terrifying. Even if I drown doing it.
I don't expect to win. Actually, I have a suspicion I will be the woman that a search party will be looking for 7 hours after the race is over. They will be in their golf carts and waving flash lights into the brush off the side of the road. And where will I be?
Still screaming and panting that the lap pool is too cold. But at least I'll look like an Olympian swimmer, even if I don't have the decorum down.