The Assassination of Self

She sits inside my skin, a giant within my 5'4" frame
She sits, crouching in wait.
She isn't comfortable, always complaining.
I believe she is protecting me.
I believe she is genuine in trying to help.
So I listen to her whispers.
I nod in agreement when she shouts.

She is always with me
She is always awake, making me partially asleep.
I have appointed her my Master,
I, merely the apprentice.

One day, or perhaps many days, over thirty years or so, I wake up.
She is happiest crammed inside me.

She claims I need her,
In truth, she's the one in need.
Without me, without dwelling beneath my skin, and whispering self-doubt
She would die.
She feeds on me.
That's how she has gotten so big.
That's how she's gotten so self important.

And now she's threatened.
Threatened that I am wise to her.
Threatened that I have awakened.
She won't leave on her own.
I've tried to out grow her.
She's not going to leave,
Not without death.

It is up to me.
I am going to be her assassin. But how? I've never killed
Anybody before?
I could pull the trigger, twice.
Once by way of kind words,
The second by believing those words.

She knows what I'm planning.
She tries to sabotage my schemes.
She screams and trembles.
She debates and claims I'll fail without her.
She apologizes and promises silence.

She won't be so critical.
She won't expose all the issues I have.
She'll keep my secrets
She'll try to ignore how terrible I truly am.
After all She's only trying to help.
She's only trying to HELP!

Her pleading has worked in the past.
She did keep her promises, for a little while, at least.
But then She grew.
She got bigger and stronger, than before.
And I had failed again, at something else.

And She snickered
And She delighted
And pointed out her "told me so's".
But not this time.
This time I have a fool-proof plan.
Practice.
Kindness.

I will use a knife and spoon.
I will cut her out.
With Practice, I will scoop her out
And all of her roots, with her.
I will Practice with Kindness
And I will not let my guard down.

She'll plot to come back.
She'll search for small cracks.
She'll send out shoots and try to plant them
When another tries to put me down.

I won't listen.
I won't hear.
I will block her and knock her down.
I will kill her.
And then I will be free.

And maybe one day, I'll visit her grave site.
And marvel at my accomplishment.
I'll read on her tombstone;
Here She Lies,
Here She Dies,
My Old Self
My Poor Bad Self-Esteem.