In the spirit of self discovery, I have come up with a huge list of questions I want to figure out about myself. I am more than sure this list will change, frequently. I hope some day that I'll be able to satisfactorily answer them and replace them with new questions.
Who am I?
What do I do?
What do I want?
What am I?
Who do I want to be?
How can I be it?
Which direction do I go?
Why is this important?
Who cares?
What kind of life do I want?
Who inspires me?
What inspires me?
What do I like to do?
What do I want to try?
Are there signs I'm not seeing?
Are there signs I'm ignoring?
Do I believe in signs?
What do I know?
What do I want to know?
What is true about me?
What is true to me?
What is false about me?
What is false to me?
What happens if I change?
What happens if I don't change?
What really makes me smile?
What takes my breath away?
What makes me really sad?
When do I feel helpless?
What makes me hopeless?
What makes me strong?
Who makes me stronger?
What is fun?
What is boring to me?
What frustrates me?
How do I really relax?
Where do I see myself in 5 years?
Where do I see myself in 1 month?
What's positive about me?
What do I really like about me?
What do I find remarkable about myself?
Is there anything remarkable about myself?
What is funny about me?
What is scary about me?
Why should I like myself?
Why should I love myself?
What's smart about me?
What's silly about me?
Why do I get angry?
What's my favorite food?
What's my least favorite food?
What's a nightmare to me?
What do I dream about?
What do I run from?
What do I run to?
What bugs me?
What do I wish would happen?
What makes me want to dance?
When did I stop singing in the shower?
Why am I always in a rush?
What's my favorite swear word?
What do I trust about myself?
Why is this the first list I've ever thoroughly written?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
The Itsy Bitsy Spider
I am a bathtub junkie. I take at least one bath a day, usually at night when the kids are winding down and my husband is putting them to bed. That's when I hear the Siren's song of the hot, steaming whispers from my faux-marble garden tub.
I love the echo of free falling water gushing out of the faucet and bouncing off the bottom. It excites me to hear the metallic clank of the plug disrupting the escape of water from diving into the pipes.
I prefer my water temperature to be extremely hot. I've learned to relax in brief discomfort as to ensure total seclusion. My husband won't join me if the water's too hot. And it's not that I am avoiding him particularly, it’s the call of partial submersion and alone time that lures me there.
Today my relaxation started quite a bit earlier than usual. After a week of psyching myself up, I decided to apply for a job at one of my favorite Department stores. Because my youngest began going to the First grade, I have felt an all encompassing urge to have a career. Since September I've aced a College Course in Fashion and also began an Internship at a Fashion House. Even as I write this, I think, what am I whining about? These are great accomplishments. On paper I have a very exciting life, so why would I want to change it and apply for retail? Many of my friends and family members have also wondered this. I have ping-pong my thoughts and emotions grappling with this, too. What is the purpose of my life? Where do I find it? Why can't I find satisfaction? And finally the number one question, what do I want? Some may wonder what the big deal is and question why this is my number one question to myself. The conundrum is, I'm a diseased people-pleaser. So in asking, “What do I want" completely changes who I'm answering to. The operative word here is "I". The rest of the question is confusing to me. I don't know.
I have a husband well into his career, and is stable. Which is a huge problem for me because I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do? I keep thinking, if we were financially strapped, it would be easier to find what I wanted to do. I would need to find financial stability, some way, anyway. But I don't. It should sound great, even at this time; I have guilt for knowing this.
It comes down to this. Now that my youngest is in school full time, I just don't know where I fit in. What's next? Oh sure, I have the kids, my husband, the house, the constant task of check book up-keep and attention to paying bills. I schedule all extra curricular activities and I really don't mind doing this, but at the end of the day I feel lost. I feel like I'm on auto pilot and don't know who I am, really. I'm use to titles. I love my title of "Mother". I love my title of "Wife". What I have a problem with is that these titles are only a part of who I am and what I do.
I clean the house but I don't want to been known as only "the Maid". I tend to my kids, making sure they are clean and presentable in all capacity before they go to school or anywhere else, but I don't want the title of "Booger-Police" to be who I am or how I see myself.
I was not hired at the Department store, which surprised me. I realized that I needed it, much more than it needed me. And after going birthday shopping for my soon-to-be-seven-year-old, the bath began calling me.
I never second guess the porcelain-pull. When it is time to bathe, it is time to bathe.
Thirty seconds in the tub, I could feel the tension leaving my lower back.
Forty seconds in, my shoulders relaxed and for the first time today, I had a neck.
As I reclined in my safe-haven, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye,
a little tiny spider.
I have never had a fear of spiders; I've had rather a fascination of the entire species, although, that doesn't mean I wanted to take a bath with one.
Not wanting to hop out into the cold to flush it down the toilet, I sat up and watched the eight-legged creature.
I had seen this one before, but I can't remember the circumstance.
It was beige and had exactly three legs along either side of its body. At the front of it, nearly next to its eyes were two disproportionately long legs. The legs could bend in a tri-fold and flitted about searching its surroundings.
I watched it thoughtfully, suddenly engaged in some unexpected distraction.
I saw the two extended legs scouring the faux-marble base.
Every time the legs touched a droplet of water, the spider pushed away from it, and coiled itself into a ball. Within seconds the feelers flew out again, and the spider popped out of its ball.
After witnessing this reaction I wanted to test my theory.
I carefully plunged my fingers into the hot water and purposely dropped droplets around the spider.
The spider didn't seem to notice what I'd done and seemed shocked every time a feeler touched water.
Soon my intentions changed from curiosity to malice. I began physically painting the spider into a corner with water droplets.
I couldn't conceive what the little creature would do with seemingly no way out.
It took merely seconds until it did something completely natural to it, surprising me.
The feelers once again floated out around its body, left, then right, then right and again left.
Then the spider started climbing up the side of the wall. No water droplets.
This small act of instinct resonated in me.
If there's an obstacle, find a way out. I realized, it doesn't have to be something grand, or exciting or even new, it can be the same motion as before, and it just has to be constant.
Then I realized something unimaginable, I don't have the answer. Not yet. I'm still learning what does and does not work for me.
Maybe it’s OK that I don't get paid during my Internship, maybe its fine I will never get paid.
Perhaps money isn't the only valuable mark of success, at least I have my "feelers" extended out as far as they go and I'm searching.
If one direction isn't working, I can always change course, but not too prematurely, patience is my next obstacle to learn.
Unlike the ending for my eight-legged inspiration, it's unlikely I will end up in a swirling-whirling watery grave (sorry, I could only observe you for so long, little guy),I wonder what's really stopping me from whole-hearted experiencing life, besides me?
What's that saying again?
Life is what you make it? I guess I'll start making one, today.
I love the echo of free falling water gushing out of the faucet and bouncing off the bottom. It excites me to hear the metallic clank of the plug disrupting the escape of water from diving into the pipes.
I prefer my water temperature to be extremely hot. I've learned to relax in brief discomfort as to ensure total seclusion. My husband won't join me if the water's too hot. And it's not that I am avoiding him particularly, it’s the call of partial submersion and alone time that lures me there.
Today my relaxation started quite a bit earlier than usual. After a week of psyching myself up, I decided to apply for a job at one of my favorite Department stores. Because my youngest began going to the First grade, I have felt an all encompassing urge to have a career. Since September I've aced a College Course in Fashion and also began an Internship at a Fashion House. Even as I write this, I think, what am I whining about? These are great accomplishments. On paper I have a very exciting life, so why would I want to change it and apply for retail? Many of my friends and family members have also wondered this. I have ping-pong my thoughts and emotions grappling with this, too. What is the purpose of my life? Where do I find it? Why can't I find satisfaction? And finally the number one question, what do I want? Some may wonder what the big deal is and question why this is my number one question to myself. The conundrum is, I'm a diseased people-pleaser. So in asking, “What do I want" completely changes who I'm answering to. The operative word here is "I". The rest of the question is confusing to me. I don't know.
I have a husband well into his career, and is stable. Which is a huge problem for me because I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do? I keep thinking, if we were financially strapped, it would be easier to find what I wanted to do. I would need to find financial stability, some way, anyway. But I don't. It should sound great, even at this time; I have guilt for knowing this.
It comes down to this. Now that my youngest is in school full time, I just don't know where I fit in. What's next? Oh sure, I have the kids, my husband, the house, the constant task of check book up-keep and attention to paying bills. I schedule all extra curricular activities and I really don't mind doing this, but at the end of the day I feel lost. I feel like I'm on auto pilot and don't know who I am, really. I'm use to titles. I love my title of "Mother". I love my title of "Wife". What I have a problem with is that these titles are only a part of who I am and what I do.
I clean the house but I don't want to been known as only "the Maid". I tend to my kids, making sure they are clean and presentable in all capacity before they go to school or anywhere else, but I don't want the title of "Booger-Police" to be who I am or how I see myself.
I was not hired at the Department store, which surprised me. I realized that I needed it, much more than it needed me. And after going birthday shopping for my soon-to-be-seven-year-old, the bath began calling me.
I never second guess the porcelain-pull. When it is time to bathe, it is time to bathe.
Thirty seconds in the tub, I could feel the tension leaving my lower back.
Forty seconds in, my shoulders relaxed and for the first time today, I had a neck.
As I reclined in my safe-haven, I noticed something out of the corner of my eye,
a little tiny spider.
I have never had a fear of spiders; I've had rather a fascination of the entire species, although, that doesn't mean I wanted to take a bath with one.
Not wanting to hop out into the cold to flush it down the toilet, I sat up and watched the eight-legged creature.
I had seen this one before, but I can't remember the circumstance.
It was beige and had exactly three legs along either side of its body. At the front of it, nearly next to its eyes were two disproportionately long legs. The legs could bend in a tri-fold and flitted about searching its surroundings.
I watched it thoughtfully, suddenly engaged in some unexpected distraction.
I saw the two extended legs scouring the faux-marble base.
Every time the legs touched a droplet of water, the spider pushed away from it, and coiled itself into a ball. Within seconds the feelers flew out again, and the spider popped out of its ball.
After witnessing this reaction I wanted to test my theory.
I carefully plunged my fingers into the hot water and purposely dropped droplets around the spider.
The spider didn't seem to notice what I'd done and seemed shocked every time a feeler touched water.
Soon my intentions changed from curiosity to malice. I began physically painting the spider into a corner with water droplets.
I couldn't conceive what the little creature would do with seemingly no way out.
It took merely seconds until it did something completely natural to it, surprising me.
The feelers once again floated out around its body, left, then right, then right and again left.
Then the spider started climbing up the side of the wall. No water droplets.
This small act of instinct resonated in me.
If there's an obstacle, find a way out. I realized, it doesn't have to be something grand, or exciting or even new, it can be the same motion as before, and it just has to be constant.
Then I realized something unimaginable, I don't have the answer. Not yet. I'm still learning what does and does not work for me.
Maybe it’s OK that I don't get paid during my Internship, maybe its fine I will never get paid.
Perhaps money isn't the only valuable mark of success, at least I have my "feelers" extended out as far as they go and I'm searching.
If one direction isn't working, I can always change course, but not too prematurely, patience is my next obstacle to learn.
Unlike the ending for my eight-legged inspiration, it's unlikely I will end up in a swirling-whirling watery grave (sorry, I could only observe you for so long, little guy),I wonder what's really stopping me from whole-hearted experiencing life, besides me?
What's that saying again?
Life is what you make it? I guess I'll start making one, today.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
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